I am Starting to Come back....More and More of my God Given Self is Returning...

Wow.........I enjoyed being me tonight....Just spending time with friends...my dear friend Dyan!  She has remained as strong as possible and continues to put her best foot forward in the midst of adversity.  I have to hand it to her ex-husband who is taking care of her.  He has been there for her...He is not perfect ...Yet he remains present in the midst of the storm of cancer.

This is more that I can say for D.S.!  He could not take the time to be present with his wife in her most difficult times but her mom...Mimi.....stood in his place.  The construction of his building and business  ordeals were more important.  This was a huge deciding point for me in choosing to end the relationship with the Narcissistic hot tub man...

He had some issues that speak volumes that will be discussed at a later blog:
Sexual addiction website ....herpes outbreak that was a gross siting...evidence of contacting other woman....anonymous phone call from a female regarding him......asking me about cognitive dissonance....canker sores.............his vacillating moods.....his computer showing porn activity...............his preoccupation with asking me if I was remorseful....rage over the fact that I dated an African American.........Very condescending and judgemental......Accusatory of me regarding my past ...which I was a predefining naive and dedicated single mom who rarely went out!!  he was the one running around ...business trips...drinking....trade shows....Vegas....."business".

New Year...... New Opportunity........Another Letter? Leave me Alone!

I have been very focused on moving forward beyond the past with this man..Dan S.......I gave back the ring in July/10 and told him specifically I will no longer tolerate his verbal belittling, control, jealousy, manipulation, false accusations, insecurity and rage.  I did not use the word "abuse" as I believed he would only become more explosive in his temperament.  I knew that I would become the fall guy for him and his issues and become the brunt of his ambivalence. He would tell people at church or friends that I was probably at fault regarding his financial mismanagement of overloaded years of debt or perhaps...I didn't measure up regarding his daughters.  After all, I went to every birthday, recital, chorus dinners and family holiday events with the exception of a few in three years.  He never took his two remaining daughters who live with him to visit my elderly mother in Pittsburgh because "I did not earn that yet!"  He told me that I had to "Step it up!"  Maybe...when I earned it ...and had More of a relationship and tried Harder....Just maybe I would have the allowance!

I always had a suspicion while I was with him that he was "involved" with past woman or acquaintances in order to fill his void of self.  This is an attribute of a Narcissist and it seems to becoming into fruition with me. Why was he not there for his wife when she was battling cancer...I was told by family and numerous people from church that he was absent a lot and apparently he was gone quite a bit after her passing...God Bless Her...  I continue to grieve for a wonderful woman who I never knew....because I only got a taste of what she went through with this man.....God Bless You.....Sue...I am sorry for the sadness you must have felt when he was constantly gone and you were a wonderful Mom to your four daughters.I believe I heard your voice through your youngest when we were in Spain...and I heard your daughter scream at her father that she would never let him get close to her ...as she yelled "You will never change and when I let you in and let my guard down ...You do the same thing over and over again...."!!!  Also, the warning from your very dear family member....who let me know ...that if it wasn't for you ...they didn't know where they would be today.......

Thank You Lord.......For sparing me from this Dysfunction......

Christmas Card............

Why did he send me a christmas card and a note.......when I broke it off from the Narcisisst five months ago?  Because he is possibly getting bored with the new victim and has a desire to fill his needs ....VERY SAD....D!!!!!  You see...I now understand who you are and  how you operate...While you were married you were never home....Where wee you and what would be more important than taking care of your wife who was struggling with cancer??  Who is more important than your wife???

So you meet other woman...then you get angry...then you explode and objectify them and need other fulfillment.  Where is God in all of this?  Why do you not turn to Him and His word to honor Him first and all priorities will fall into place.  Love the Lord your 'god with all your heart....Honor your wife.....this means faithfulness to Him and her......

You had an episode with the new victim and now your reaching out for MOI...Not genuine...just selfish and dishonest....and dishonoring to God and the new woman your with!!!!!!

LEAVE ME ALONE

Freedom...Peace...My Person is coming back.....

It has been five months since I said NO MORE....No more control....belittling.....disregard.....manipulation.....
The interesting thing is that he has sent me several cards and I burn them...b/c of what I have learned since breaking it off from him.

First,  I have a beautiful new found sense of freedom in just being me....I no longer question what I am wearing....or need to be home by 10:30.....no more interrogations of where I was and were there any men at the seminar....or messages of how he was wondering if I was socializing with people HE didn't know......all sounds so very bizarre to me now....I was being brain washed and did not even recognize it!

Also...I have learned alot about these kind of men....their deep insecurities cause them to constantly be on the look out for other woman to fulfill their void of self esteem and to satisfy their narcissism.  This is what I witnessed with ...we'll call him Dan!  I have taken time to observe men and their patterns with this issue.  Men will glance and that is to be expected but cheaters stare. 

I realize that one should trust their intuition on this topic...ladies....Trust your instinct!  When you see patterns of anger, quick attachment, marriage discussion within 3/4 months(I am serious!!!)


RUN.................................RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS..................................

I can wear anything I want to wear..........................I love wearing heels....funky stockings with paisley designs..............sweet classy skirts with pizazz and flare...............just being me!!!!  No more put downs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you God!!!!!

Ugh.....no more poor hygene(he used to come to me after work...dirty...white socks and white sneakers  didn't brush his teeth...ewww..don't come near me.....he had tons of cancore sores......no style...and he would be critical of my wonderful style!!!  

Oh What a Relief It Is.......!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been three months since I gave the ring back to the abuser....stan the hottub man!!  oh my goodness!!  I had no idea how surpressed I was by his control...manipulation...constant questioning ....belittling...  Really!!

I am so sorry for his wife who passed from ovarian cancer and what she went through!!!  the sweet poor thing!!:-(

Thank you to Sue's family member.... who spoke the truth and warned me about the abusers communication issue!!!!

Thank You

Accountability.................Narcissist are Incapable of Love....

I spent the day at church and then to a social celebrating a cancer free life of my dear friend Dyan.....It was very interesting as I mingled among the guests. One woman...forty six....was completely devastated with her life.  Her husband of 26 years seems to be passive-aggressive and disregarding of her needs.  She tries and talks to him and engage him ...but it seems to be a dead end.  Hmmm......It was a reminder to me ...This is how I was feeling the past year and half......with the narcissist I was engaged to ..We will call him D.S.!  He started out being so charming..quickly in love with me..."the woman of his dreams" ...he would tell me!  However, as I became HIS.....All the charm formulated into control, jealousy, insecurity, rage, out of control anger, belittling, disregard....It was always about him and his daughters...Never my sons.....
Thank you God...as I listened to this woman's pain today...I am blessed with health, freedom, regard for my own well being.....no more abuse!!!!
Warning...anyone who can quickly attach to you ....probably just detached from someone else ..dropped them like a hot potato....for YOU!!!  Remember...True...healthy love....takes time to have knowledge of one another!  If it is so hurried...It is to fill their void...Narcissist are NOT capable of love!